Yes. I am so vain.

RaptorDad: You ok?

MiT: *whimpers* No

RaptorDad: What's wrong?

MiT: so. out. of. shape. 

In the past few weeks I have made a concerted effort to exercise and get back into running. I have never been a Lululemon model or even someone fit enough to work at Sports Authority but I ran consistently, took a yoga class a couple times a week and upped my classes at a local cycling studio right before the Raptor cheerfully announced her imminent arrival by sucking all available energy from my being. I slacked off while pregnant. I did some prenatal yoga (aka fat girl stretching) and some lovely early fall walks but nothing to my prenatal fitness level. I was growing a person! It's exhausting! And foolishly I thought my body would remember what it looked like and after a few weeks would return to it's perfectly fine state. 

Yes I realize that was incredibly naive. 

Yes I know that is not how it works.  

No I am not Gisele or any other famous person. 

I just didn't think it would be so hard. This isn't my body. This weird flabby shell belongs to someone else. Excuse me Nature? You must be mistaken. This isng what I ordered. I ordered the bounce back program? The one where I take yoga classes with the Raptor and take gorgeous selfies while perfecting downward dog. YOU MESSED UP MY ORDER. 

Yes yes yes three months out, takes a least nine to go back BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean I added a soul to this world; a sweet, sassy, smiley, squirmy soul - and this is the thanks I get? Physics has never been my friend. But now it's deliberately messing with me by showing me Facebook posts such as:

"I'm back to my pre-pregnancy pants!" Two weeks after delivery? LIES. 

"Look at my abs!" 

*Insert photo of size 2 washboard at 4 weeks post-partum.* 

Bullshit. Photoshop. 

Am I wrong to expect that Physics treat us all equally? It's not like gravity decides that you get to be excused from its pull while the rest of us remain weighted down to the Earth. 

People gave Kim Kardashian such shit for gaining real-people weight while pregnant and then more shit for hiding out towards the end because people brutally insulted her. And then came the outcry after she decided not to show herself until about 8 weeks post-North. I'm no Kim K fan; I think she's gorgeous and useless like a Lladro figurine or a Judith Leiber purse and I'm glad Physics decided she should bow down like the rest of us mere mortals (I am vain and mean. Get used to it.) However I'm relieved I don't have to do it in the public eye. Seeing friends for dinner in maternity pants is humiliating enough. But does the public need to beat up a woman who's emotionally fragile after giving birth? Because she can't see what her body has become, everyone needs to remind her that she's a flabby, saggy version of herself? 

Thank God Gisele didn't mar her perfect abs or show her body immediately post birth before she signed herself over to Satan (apparently that's how you avoid Physics). Then we wouldn't have these expectations of how our bodies will immediately bounce back. And I wouldn't be fighting with Physics. 

How did you get your body back? Did you let it go until you were ready? Did you move into the gym?