How to Explain My Stupidity - Video

Please pardon the horrible quality. Really this person just filmed their TV screen and if I wasn't lazy I would search for a legit clip. But I am lazy and here we are with some poor schmuck's video clip - you still get the gist. 

This is me. Every. Single. Day. Flying abilities and suit of armor not included. 

Yesterday, I asked my husband to turn off the windows. 

Earlier I asked my HR person to give me the total number of labors. 

The day before after purchasing a painting stick thingamajig for the Hubs I asked if he liked that he can change the colors. I meant the lengths of said painting thingamabob. 

Cranberry. 

Things You Shouldn't Say to a Pregnant Woman

Everyone has one of these. But this alllll happened today. 

Stressing about my outfit: 
Me (wearing an orange shirt and black boots): "Do I look like a pumpkin?"
Boss: "Um...a variation of one."

On guessing the sex of the baby:

Finance Woman (after expressing how LARGE she was while pregnant with her daughter):
"Well I would say you're having a girl?"
Me: "Why?" 
FW: "Well your hips are MUCH bigger since you've gotten pregnant."


On Halloween: 

Halloween Planner Person: "Let's do a haunted yellow brick road!"
Me: "Oh that sounds cool."
HPP: "You get to be the witch."

Fuck you Tuesday. FUCK YOU. 

Pain in the Butt

Starting Tuesday I've had these random shooting muscle pains in my butt. Since I possess the sassy-sounding swayback, a nifty little upswing around the tailbone, my low back has always been an asshole. But this random shooting pain feels slightly different. 

TO THE INTERNETS! 

And here is where I learned that I basically have back pain because I exist. 

"Even more pregnant women have posterior pelvic pain, which is felt lower on your body than lumbar pain. You may feel it deep inside the buttocks, on one or both sides or the back of your thighs. It may be triggered by activities such as walking, climbing stairs, getting in and out of a tub or a low chair, rolling over in bed, or twisting and lifting.Positions in which you're bent at the waist – such as sitting in a chair and leaning forward while working at a desk – may make posterior pelvic pain worse." 

- thebabycenter.com

Looks like it's triggered by: 

Walking

Sitting

Getting in and out of your car 

Getting in and out of bed

Working 

Bathing 

I exist and therefore I have deep butt pain. Thank God for you medical brainiacs! 

And the treatment is just as clear and easy to follow: 

Stand more! 

Sit more! 

Walk more! 

Use Hot! 

Use Cold! 

#firstworldpreggoproblems 

Absentia

All apologies for my absence. I began a post that surely would have been hilarious; only when I went o finish it a few weeks later I discovered that I forgot the purpose of said post. It was about the nursery and how the room is so hot. See? Gut-busting funny. 

Here's the rundown on the goings-on in the past few weeks. 

• I went to Mexico. No not hey-you-lost-your-head-Mexico but Holy-crap-I-may-live-here-forever-Mexico. Then I decided maybe major surgery in Mexico isn't the best idea regardless of the dual citizenship benefit. I got a tan, had a couple Dos Equis and never drank tap water. Thus? Never pooped my pants. Awesome. 

• If one more person tells me JUST WAIT when I refer to: not sleeping, feeling large, having a waddle or insert pregnancy malady here, i am going to punch them in the face. Consider yourselves warned. I AM LIVING IN THE MOMENT PEOPLE. 

• I wish I could have someone hold the raptor for a minute. Literally just say "hey can you hold this? I am going for a quick run and I will be right back - 30 min tops." And I would come back because all this shit is a miracle and amazing but I miss running. I also miss walking up stairs without getting winded. 

• The raptor moves like a Capoeira dancer/fighter - all rolls and kicks and random side-to-side movements. Where's the FLUTTER I was promised?! No flutter, just vag punches. 

• Today the doctor told me I wear pregnancy well. I almost kissed his feet and while I suspect he says that to all the patients he performs C-sections on, I will take it as he owes me no compliment of the sort and assured me he doesn't say it to people who don't wear it well. I am believing him.

• If my mother asks me one more question about the shower, I am having her relocate it to McDonalds. GET THE FUCKING MINI-QUICHES. Order nuggets from Chik-fil-A. Get a platter from Publix. I really don't give a shit. Last night she called me to say that she may have gotten the wrong patter of animals for the theme. The theme I didn't choose so much as decide to register for and blurted Giraffe! when asked. Now it's a jungle theme and she got Lion King AND OMG IT DOESN'T MATCH. Guys, I want to see some people, be belly-accosted by Cubans, eat cake and open presents. That's all. It doesn't need a theme. Throw up some streamers in yellow and white and call that shit a day. *sigh* I AM grateful; Stop judging me.