Absentia

All apologies for my absence. I began a post that surely would have been hilarious; only when I went o finish it a few weeks later I discovered that I forgot the purpose of said post. It was about the nursery and how the room is so hot. See? Gut-busting funny. 

Here's the rundown on the goings-on in the past few weeks. 

• I went to Mexico. No not hey-you-lost-your-head-Mexico but Holy-crap-I-may-live-here-forever-Mexico. Then I decided maybe major surgery in Mexico isn't the best idea regardless of the dual citizenship benefit. I got a tan, had a couple Dos Equis and never drank tap water. Thus? Never pooped my pants. Awesome. 

• If one more person tells me JUST WAIT when I refer to: not sleeping, feeling large, having a waddle or insert pregnancy malady here, i am going to punch them in the face. Consider yourselves warned. I AM LIVING IN THE MOMENT PEOPLE. 

• I wish I could have someone hold the raptor for a minute. Literally just say "hey can you hold this? I am going for a quick run and I will be right back - 30 min tops." And I would come back because all this shit is a miracle and amazing but I miss running. I also miss walking up stairs without getting winded. 

• The raptor moves like a Capoeira dancer/fighter - all rolls and kicks and random side-to-side movements. Where's the FLUTTER I was promised?! No flutter, just vag punches. 

• Today the doctor told me I wear pregnancy well. I almost kissed his feet and while I suspect he says that to all the patients he performs C-sections on, I will take it as he owes me no compliment of the sort and assured me he doesn't say it to people who don't wear it well. I am believing him.

• If my mother asks me one more question about the shower, I am having her relocate it to McDonalds. GET THE FUCKING MINI-QUICHES. Order nuggets from Chik-fil-A. Get a platter from Publix. I really don't give a shit. Last night she called me to say that she may have gotten the wrong patter of animals for the theme. The theme I didn't choose so much as decide to register for and blurted Giraffe! when asked. Now it's a jungle theme and she got Lion King AND OMG IT DOESN'T MATCH. Guys, I want to see some people, be belly-accosted by Cubans, eat cake and open presents. That's all. It doesn't need a theme. Throw up some streamers in yellow and white and call that shit a day. *sigh* I AM grateful; Stop judging me.