Things on my bathroom floor...

RaptorDad will need to pick up.

1 Pre-Natal Vitamin

1 Makeup Removal Cotton Pad

Makeup Sponges 

1 Distorted Bobby Pin

1 Full Travel-Size Shower Gel

Length of time on said floor: Unknown 

Chances if me picking these up: 0%

And another thing...

Last night I thought for a moment that we are having an incredibly rhythmic raptor - then I realized it was just the hiccups. Hiccups in my belly. Raptor got super-annoyed so there would be a hiccup and then a giant knee-roll into my organs. Another hiccup? Another roll - this time to my ribs. 

Pregnancy is amazingly fucking creepy. 

Things!

I've been staring at this cursor for a few days now. I explained to Dills recently that I open up this page and have nothing to say. And bless her, she's so good at posting - even the small things - her epic quest for a rug or learning about possum cleaning. See? She's interesting and funny. And now I want to write a whole post about her! 

OK. OK. Back to selfish, big ol' me. I am 30 weeks pregnant guys and I should probably be freaking out. Only I am not even though I have 9 weeks left of being childless. So now I am starting to freak out about not freaking out which really means that I will have a MASSIVE freakout right after the baby comes and I have no idea what to do. 

Good things: 
- Daddy Raptor built the crib from IKEA and the daybed from IKEA so our nursery is coming together! Honestly, that man has endless patience with teeny tiny pieces and no word instructions. He's going to be ACES as a dad. He claims its from years of Legos and building models. Friendly tip single ladies - MARRY A GEEK! They looove to build shit and you get out of dealing it. Unless you love it then marry someone who hates it. Seriously though he would tighten a screw, the plank would fall over and he would just pick it up and do it again. After this happened five times I took my leave. Apparently sitting in the rocker and watching him NOT get frustrated pushed me over the edge. Don't you wish you were married to me? 

- Three Baby Showers. GUYS THREE BABY SHOWERS. I have so many things. SO. MANY. THINGS. And I still need more things! Like a stroller! And a car seat!  And a baby! So the nursery mentioned above is a bit in shambles. Bags everywhere. Adorable baby art to be hung. Teeny socks to be washed. Thank You cards waiting to be written. THINGS! Yes yes yes yes ... Good things. AMAZING THINGS. Like the mustache paci from our cousins Amy, Jen & Carrie - clearly in the boy camp. Or the gorgeous little owl in our nursery colors from my friend Mel who MADE IT. Like with her own two hands. To make no mention of my friend Meesh who handmade a blanket and two bibs - IN ONE DAY.  My people are awesome. 

- People keep telling me I carry this pregnancy well. I have been handing out $5 bills to keep the compliments coming. 

 Bad Things:
- People are lying about me carrying this pregnancy well. I think it has to do with the $5. My over-sized sweatpants are tiiiiiight. 
- Sleeping and the lack therof. 
- Working and the abundance thereof. Shit's been going down at work y'all. It ain't cute. 
- Freaking out over not freaking out. 
- Vag punches that also result in the occasional lung kick. Yeah that happens. 



 

 

How to Explain My Stupidity - Video

Please pardon the horrible quality. Really this person just filmed their TV screen and if I wasn't lazy I would search for a legit clip. But I am lazy and here we are with some poor schmuck's video clip - you still get the gist. 

This is me. Every. Single. Day. Flying abilities and suit of armor not included. 

Yesterday, I asked my husband to turn off the windows. 

Earlier I asked my HR person to give me the total number of labors. 

The day before after purchasing a painting stick thingamajig for the Hubs I asked if he liked that he can change the colors. I meant the lengths of said painting thingamabob. 

Cranberry. 

Things You Shouldn't Say to a Pregnant Woman

Everyone has one of these. But this alllll happened today. 

Stressing about my outfit: 
Me (wearing an orange shirt and black boots): "Do I look like a pumpkin?"
Boss: "Um...a variation of one."

On guessing the sex of the baby:

Finance Woman (after expressing how LARGE she was while pregnant with her daughter):
"Well I would say you're having a girl?"
Me: "Why?" 
FW: "Well your hips are MUCH bigger since you've gotten pregnant."


On Halloween: 

Halloween Planner Person: "Let's do a haunted yellow brick road!"
Me: "Oh that sounds cool."
HPP: "You get to be the witch."

Fuck you Tuesday. FUCK YOU. 

Pain in the Butt

Starting Tuesday I've had these random shooting muscle pains in my butt. Since I possess the sassy-sounding swayback, a nifty little upswing around the tailbone, my low back has always been an asshole. But this random shooting pain feels slightly different. 

TO THE INTERNETS! 

And here is where I learned that I basically have back pain because I exist. 

"Even more pregnant women have posterior pelvic pain, which is felt lower on your body than lumbar pain. You may feel it deep inside the buttocks, on one or both sides or the back of your thighs. It may be triggered by activities such as walking, climbing stairs, getting in and out of a tub or a low chair, rolling over in bed, or twisting and lifting.Positions in which you're bent at the waist – such as sitting in a chair and leaning forward while working at a desk – may make posterior pelvic pain worse." 

- thebabycenter.com

Looks like it's triggered by: 

Walking

Sitting

Getting in and out of your car 

Getting in and out of bed

Working 

Bathing 

I exist and therefore I have deep butt pain. Thank God for you medical brainiacs! 

And the treatment is just as clear and easy to follow: 

Stand more! 

Sit more! 

Walk more! 

Use Hot! 

Use Cold! 

#firstworldpreggoproblems 

Absentia

All apologies for my absence. I began a post that surely would have been hilarious; only when I went o finish it a few weeks later I discovered that I forgot the purpose of said post. It was about the nursery and how the room is so hot. See? Gut-busting funny. 

Here's the rundown on the goings-on in the past few weeks. 

• I went to Mexico. No not hey-you-lost-your-head-Mexico but Holy-crap-I-may-live-here-forever-Mexico. Then I decided maybe major surgery in Mexico isn't the best idea regardless of the dual citizenship benefit. I got a tan, had a couple Dos Equis and never drank tap water. Thus? Never pooped my pants. Awesome. 

• If one more person tells me JUST WAIT when I refer to: not sleeping, feeling large, having a waddle or insert pregnancy malady here, i am going to punch them in the face. Consider yourselves warned. I AM LIVING IN THE MOMENT PEOPLE. 

• I wish I could have someone hold the raptor for a minute. Literally just say "hey can you hold this? I am going for a quick run and I will be right back - 30 min tops." And I would come back because all this shit is a miracle and amazing but I miss running. I also miss walking up stairs without getting winded. 

• The raptor moves like a Capoeira dancer/fighter - all rolls and kicks and random side-to-side movements. Where's the FLUTTER I was promised?! No flutter, just vag punches. 

• Today the doctor told me I wear pregnancy well. I almost kissed his feet and while I suspect he says that to all the patients he performs C-sections on, I will take it as he owes me no compliment of the sort and assured me he doesn't say it to people who don't wear it well. I am believing him.

• If my mother asks me one more question about the shower, I am having her relocate it to McDonalds. GET THE FUCKING MINI-QUICHES. Order nuggets from Chik-fil-A. Get a platter from Publix. I really don't give a shit. Last night she called me to say that she may have gotten the wrong patter of animals for the theme. The theme I didn't choose so much as decide to register for and blurted Giraffe! when asked. Now it's a jungle theme and she got Lion King AND OMG IT DOESN'T MATCH. Guys, I want to see some people, be belly-accosted by Cubans, eat cake and open presents. That's all. It doesn't need a theme. Throw up some streamers in yellow and white and call that shit a day. *sigh* I AM grateful; Stop judging me.